again and again

It's final. Mid August. That's when I'm leaving. It's a huge deal. After nearly six years, I'm finally going back to Malaysia for good.

I can't wrap my head around that fact. But, it's just something I have to do. Life, and specifically career wise, has been stagnant for too long.

This first half of 2009 have been very productive and informative. It's time to use whatever I've learnt here and apply it back home. (Even if the fate of the industry is still highly questioned and doubted)

A few friends have asked if I wanted to make films in Australia. Why not Australia? Why Malaysia?

Firstly, I don't see myself qualified to make anything, anywhere, YET. I have to learn still and gain more experience. But, I'm free to indulge in my imaginations and daydreams. So even if I wanted to, I can't make films here. Its too competitive and I don't feel comfortable in my own skin. Also the fact that I'm an outsider and communication issues.

I'm Malaysian. I want to make Malaysian films. Help grow the industry in some way, if at all. Patut aku tulis Bahasa Malaysia kot kalau nak berpatriotik ni. Lantak. Lagipun, aku rasa kalau kerja ngan orang Malaysia lagi senang nak communicate kot. Wavelength sama. And, aku rasa skarang mesti lagi ramai orang celik pandai yang nakkan something new. Aku pun nak jugak!

So what now?

Perah otak!

There's a million options to choose from. Maybe first and foremost, some kind of financial stability. Don't mistaken this for mundane-ness. This is merely to survive.

Next, I'm really excited to meet these growing number of youngsters yang semakin mengancam kerja2 diorang. Filmmakers, musicians, artists, creative writers. I need to be kept up to date because I've been away for far too long. I've missed out on so much, watching from a distance. This time, I wanna be in the mess too. I'm offering my services for something similar in return.

For now, that's about it. I'm not yet ready to disclose more plans on this forsaken blog. But I really do have a million things that I want to do. How exciting.

La Nouvelle Vague

I need my own new wave.

N

l'tourbillon d'la vie

the whirlwind of life.

i haven't been home for awhile. When I get back, I'll spend a week there. Then drive with my dad and brother back to my grandparents, before fasting season starts. Haven't done that in awhile as well. I think I will take a lot of photos, on film hopefully. It's been 5 years since I last celebrated hari raya in Malaysia with my family. That's too crazy. I'll get a chance this year.

Going back is all well and good. But I'm leaving things behind. Memories and good times. Most of that is coming back with me, sooner or later. But, I'll definitely miss the ones that won't be able to come along on the next phase.

So what's the plan after getting back? The obvious answer is I don't know. But things will work out.



N

movies and me

Last week I saw:

• Samson & Delilah
• Mary and Max
• Synecdoche, New York: twice.
• O brother where art thou
• Miller's crossing
• Intolerable Cruelty
• I heart huckabees
• The virgin suicides
• Candy
• Shadowplay
• Dream Life
• The pitch
• mean creek

I think I'm forgetting 3-4 titles.

Last night I saw 'Peter Pan'. Today I saw 'Star Trek'. It was brilliant!

N

.

The end is near. I have been thinking about it for a long time. It is creeping up on me. It's going to be the end of a part of a world, for me at least and it is inevitable.

I guess in a way, the end has come and passed, but I guess not for me. But this time, it is for real. There is a word for it...I can't seem to remember what. Something like morbid. pessimistic. negative.

I don't know if I have a choice or not. Either to end that part of the world, or just leave it for awhile. There are chances to be grabbed out there. People to meet, networks to be forged. But with it being so close, I don't know if I'm ready. I guess I'm not.

Time has always been the enemy.It is inevitable. inevitable. inevitable.

In the future, I'll find myself being over it. Everything has an ending. I'll have to. get over it.

But this is the present. And I'll keep thinking about it until it comes knocking. Pfft.

N

story story

A man sits at a cafe, looking around and absorbing his surroundings. The waiter gets his order, coffee. She goes on to get orders from other customers. She accidentally steps on a dogs tail. It yelps in pain.

A young woman comes and joins the man. She is revealed to be the daughter. The man has a gift for her, neatly packaged in a box. It is a shiny gun, with silver bullets to match. She examines it and finds that it is to her liking. She loads it.

An old lady is about to cross the street. The young woman sees her and takes aim. A shot is fired and the old woman is left on the ground, dead. No one seems to care, everything doesn't even stop.

Two policemen walk along and finds the old woman's body. They look around and spots the father and daughter at the cafe. They go over. One of them inquires about the gun. Dad says its a gift. His daughter asks the cops if they like the gun. They say they do.

End.

~I thought that was interesting. some may disagree.
~this is plagiarized kinda. yay.

N

In a dream

with blue sky and clouds?

N